Part Fiction. Part Truth. All Fun.

27 Feb

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This blog is based on a true story.  Parts have been embellished for entertainment value.   Parts are bold faced lies.  Many parts are inappropriate in nature.  Parents and Grandparents, skip this one. Everyone else, continue reading…

If you are going to take a girls trip, you should go to Santa Barbara.  Santa Barbara is always a good idea.   Tara was about to celebrate a birthday.  The girls had tossed around the idea of going to dinner somewhere cool in San Diego to celebrate.  Then fate stepped in.  Well, I guess you couldn’t really call it fate.  More like Alli went to Happy Hour and then over to Madi’s afterward.  Alli and Madi then got into some wine time.  The idea to go to Santa Barbara was born around 11pm (several glasses of wine deep) when they realized that the famous Tuba player, Ringo DeCargo, whom they recently friended, would be playing in SBeezie at Sonic Nightclub.  They texted their other Bestie, Brit, immediately to make sure she was all for this genius idea.   Brit’s response was, “you’re drunk and yes”.  With a few unrelenting obsessive texts to the almost Birthday Girl, Tara finally responded and she was RSVPing a HARD yes.  Alli, Madi, and Brit decided it would be more fun to keep the destination a surprise since Tara LOVES surprises.

If you’re going to celebrate a birthday, you should drink good Champagne.  Vueve Clicquot and Moet Chandon were packed in each gals suitcase along with their cutest going out clothes as they traveled to Brit’s place in Orange County a few weeks later.  They decided to break the drive up by staying one night there.  None of the four girls were fans of long car rides.  After a fun sushi dinner (Brit’s fave) and two bottles of champs the girls tucked themselves into bed around 1 am.  Alli couldn’t sleep because to her it was like Christmas morning so she woke up at sunrise and got the girls SBUX and made a pancake feast for breakfast.  Anything to get on the road and on with the fun a second faster was worth it to her.

When the girls arrived at the Hotel SeaAna in Santa Barbara, their room wasn’t ready.  They didn’t fret because brunch plans awaited them.  Several mimosas and one birthday wish, was the perfect way to start the trip.  The girls then started to wander the shops on Stake Street and they joked that they felt like they were on an episode of the Hills gabbing as they tried on makeup.  Alli isn’t a big fan of shopping so she began looking for the next stop for adult beverage consumption.  Luck would have it, Mo’s Café was known for having the strongest cocktails in SB.  They each ordered one and choked it down and that’s where the day starts to get a bit fuzzy.

After Mo’s they made their way towards the new hot spot in Santa Barbara, the Wine Zone.  The Wine Zone has tasting rooms from several of the hottest local wineries in SB.  Anyone who knows Alli, Madi, Brit, and Tara knows that they do not have blood in their veins; they have wine.   They can toss back wine with a vengeance and in obscenely inappropriate large quantities.  The Wine Zone did not disappoint.  If the girls arrived at the Wine Zone with a mild buzz, they were certainly feeling no pain after the first tasting room stop.  A tell all sign of this would have been how Alli signed her name on the check when they were leaving.  It was her name and a drawing of a penis.  Alli is a super classy lady.  Not quite.

As the girls maneuvered their way through the Wine Zone they decided to make one more stop at Fig River Brew Co. before checking into their room.   This stop probably should have been skipped.  This is the stop where things began to get a bit extra blurry for the ladies.  Upon walking in the girls were immediately struck by how badly they had to pee.  As they stood in a very long line, they began chatting with other Santa Barbarians waiting as well.  All were joking and taking bets about how many girls were in the ladies room since ladies can’t seem to go unless they are in a posse.  When the door finally opened and four girls came out they all roared with laughter while the girls looked bewildered as to what was so funny.  The conversation then took a turn to what girls do in the ladies room that makes them take soooooooooooooooooooo long.  Alli assured the gent asking that she was the fastest pee-er in the west.  He rebuffed her claim.  Alli then made a bold move.  She announced to everyone in the line that she was challenging the young gent to a pee race.  Whoever finished first bought the other one a drink.    They both shook on it and waited for the doors to open at the same time.  To everyone’s surprise Alli was the winner winner chicken dinner.  Her free wine never tasted so good.  She joked when the gent emerged from the bathroom as she stared at her invisible watch, “oh, there you are…finally…nice to see you again”.

If waiting in line to pee was so much fun you can imagine the vibe of this bar.  As the gals looked for prime real estate on the crowded patio they found a table with enough room for them to squeeze onto.  Tara made a quick surveillance of fun on the patio and like a heat seeking missile spotted a fellow Birthday-er because a balloon was tied to his belt loop.  After a bit of flirting and giving him a modest fully clothed lap dance, Tara walked away victorious with a balloon that said “happy birthday from all of us”.  She lost this balloon to another Birthday Girl at one point and Alli traded back for it with a beverage.  This balloon left the bar securely tied to Tara’s wrist.  The walk back to the hotel to primp for dinner was more of a stagger.  It was dark out at this point.  The girls had been drinking since noon and they are not good day to night partiers in their 30s.  This was a recipe for disaster for sure.  This point of the night would have been better for writing purposes if one of the girls had been wearing a go pro.  Drunken memories are tough for blogging.  Next time I will request one of them to rock a go pro for sure.

The girls checked into in to their room and primped for dinner in a tornado like tizzy.  Outfits were thrown on, makeup was reapplied, and hair was fluffed.  In their heads they looked like super models.  The reality of it is they probably looked like total train wreaks with smeared lipstick and tangled hair.  Madi opened the MOST expensive bottle of champagne she had brought because naturally after drinking all day, the next step is to open a fancy bottle of champs so you can really appreciate it.  Please also note, the champagne was warm because it had been sitting in a trunk all day.  The only reason they knew it had been drank was by the empty bottle and four glasses in the morning.

Once sufficient warm champagne had been enjoyed and makeup had been caked on, Alli called an UBER (safety first) and the girls headed to Cheeks for dinner.  Did they eat dinner?  Yes.  Did they drink more champagne?  Yes.  Should they have perhaps taken a break from alcohol for a bit?  YES.  The fun train kept rolling along and none of these gals made any attempts to slow down or jump off.  Just as they were finishing up, Alli’s nearest and dearest, Omi, showed up to wisk the girls away to the Kitty Kat for a night of dancing, or in their case, drunkingly swaying from side to side.  Upon arriving at the Kitty Kat, “Team Wasted” split into two.  Alli and Tara kept boozing.  Madi and Brit were much smarter and switched to water.  The vibe at the Kitty Kat was insane.  Great DJ.  Great people.  Tons of fun.  But at the stroke of midnight the ladies snuck out the door to see Ringo DeCargo play his Tuba at the bar across the street, Sonic.

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Sonic was packed and Ringo was playing his Tuba like a boss.  There is something about a tuba being play along with the latest club jams that really elevates the vibe.  This point of the night became a bit of a hazy, blurry, fuzzy memory for all except Madi who had assumed the team Mom role.  Alli lost her coat at some point while dancing at Sonic (it was never seen again).  Brit got into a fight with a bouncer for sitting in a VIP area.  Tara was completely lost from the group for the rest of the night.  Despite Madi’s twenty laps around the club she could not find the birthday girl anywhere.  Alli began doing an incredibly violent humping dance and Brit was her chosen victim.  The final moment before the girls were asked to leave involved a stolen tuba and an inappropriate dance with said tuba.  Let’s just say new friend, Ringo DeCargo, will not be continuing their friendship moving forward and the girls have probably been banned from Sonic for life.  No one likes a tuba thief.

Madi dragged everyone into an UBER with the exception of the missing birthday girl who’s last text said she was at the hotel but her phone was about to die.  You can imagine their horror when they got back to the hotel and there was no sign of her.  Normally this would have caused much more concern but who are we kidding, they were totally blacked out hot messes.  The fact that anyone made it to the hotel was such an amazing feat.  Once in the room in a fit of unknown rage, Brit picked up everyone one’s suitcases and dumped them out on the floor.  She then picked up the dumped out belongings and threw them all around the room.

Tara made it back to the room in the early morning hours to three girls star fish passed out on the beds.  She then decided to eat several highly overpriced snacks from the mini bar while she was in the shower.  You read the correctly, she ate them in the shower.  When Tara was done showering she could not figure out how to turn the shower off to save her life.  After a 30 minute naked fight with the shower she threw on some clothes and marched down to the front desk with soaking wet hair.  Please note that at this point of the Santa Barbara Birthday Adventure, Alli, Madi, and Brit were sound asleep as the shower was running (I apologize to the drought on their behalf) at full force.  Tara explained to the front desk staff her shower predicament though she could not tell them what room she was in or who’s name the room was under (she had created a hybrid of Madi and Brit’s last name).  One of the gents working behind the front desk begrudgingly followed soaking wet Tara to their room, past three slumbering girls, and over dumped out suitcases to easily turn the shower off with a quick turn of the handle to the right.  He left without saying a word.  Tara continued enjoying her mini bar snacks as she fell asleep.

The girls woke up in the morning to Alli in a full on panic because her purse was empty.  Without her car keys how would they ever get home.  After a confusing Easter Egg type hunt around the room, all belonging were located with the exception of one jacket and one scarf.  Alli left a giggling message on Sonic’s voicemail about her missing jacket.  She said, “I left my dignity and my jacket on the dance floor”.  Please note that the Balloon “from all of us” was the first thing Alli saw when she opened her eyes.

It was a slow and painful pack up to get out the door and back on the road by the 12pm checkout time.  They made three stops because Alli insisted they were must dos before hitting the road: drugstore for coconut water, coffee, and burritos.  Alli had this bright idea to bring hydration, caffeination, and food to a popular picnic spot in SB despite everyone’s intense hangovers.  This was the WORST idea ever.  The last thing you want to consume when you already want to die is coffee and a giant burrito.  While Madi, Tara, and Brit were plotting Alli’s death and orchestrating a full mutiny things were quickly put into perspective when everyone’s stomachs went full Bridesmaids dress shopping scene at the same time.  Picnic time was quickly over and a race to the nearest gas station quickly took top priority.  They rated how much of a 911 situation it was for each of them and then not so patiently waited each ones turn.  The bathroom toilet seat had “fu$k you, B$tch” carved onto it.  Such a classy thrown for a classy group of ladies.

Alli gave everyone motion sickness with her crappy driving on the way home.  The gnarly hangovers could have had something to do with it but probably not; she’s a pretty terrible driver.  The first part of the drive was miserable.  The second half was riddled with laughter about their adventure.

Santa Barbara is always a good idea.  Always.

Instead of going home as planned the girls checked themselves into Promises Rehabilitation Center in Malibu.  They also found Jesus.  Amen.

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